I shouldn’t have

I shouldn’t have
Let your hands feel
The sensations under my skin
And your ears listen to my throbbing heart
When your fingers ran through me like paint brushes
As if, to you, I were a form of art.
I shouldn’t have let your tongue
Roll inside my mouth
It was a magic that worked
And got me fiercely aroused.
I shouldn’t have let my mind flow
Without resistance
And savour
The taste of your warm lips
Every time you pulled me close under the blanket
Caressed and planted the erratic kiss.
I shouldn’t have laughed and listened
To the imaginary stories of castles
That we built on floating clouds, and,
Secretly wished them to come true
I shouldn’t have looked at you in the eye
And confess that I’d fallen for you.
Rather, I should’ve crawled under my skin
And pulled myself back
For I am betrothed to the one
Whom I promised and I once loved.
I can see in people’s eye
All that we have seems very, very wrong
And now it doesn’t matter anymore
To whom my heart belongs
As my parting is certain and
There’s no looking back
I am sorry for falling weak
Cause, I really shouldn’t have.

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There was a time when I
missed you,
looked for you,
longed for you
all day and night.
I whispered to the floating clouds
and winds
and to the smallest elements of nature
to bring you with them
or your news
or anything at all
to make me feel your presence,
your existence.
There was a time when I would adorn
the table,
the bed,
the house,
for two, and then remember
you are not here
but far away in a distant land
waiting for me, may be,
Or may not.
But I did, I waited,
for days, weeks and years
for seconds, minutes and hours
till the time when two became one.
Now I talk
to myself in the mirror
to the walls around me, and
to our pet, Lucy.
I watch the gleeful sun
change its colors
yellow, orange and red
from sunrise to sunset.
Today I miss none, not even you,
for missing thee
has wasted me
leaving a void for eternity.
I should have loved myself more
I feel that now,
but I don’t regret
spending my entire life waiting for you
for it has returned
as a gift,
and strength
to endure this solitary habit.

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Letting go is a good thing

We all, at some point in time, sit and think, think very deeply, about the decisions taken in life. Sometimes we end up in self-appreciation and others teach us a lesson. But there are some decisions that we can neither appreciate not accept; the decision confines in our memory.

So here she was, again, in the same bit of time, contemplating her own decisions and sipping on a cup of hot coffee, to keep her soul awake. It was raining and a mesmerizing petrichor was emanating from the dry and broken soil, from the grass that had waited long enough to kiss the first raindrop. The sky was putting up a wonderful show of colors and the breeze was brushing against her face and hair, apparently to whisper a beautiful message from someone. Gazing outside her window, she failed to appreciate the beauty and to feel the association with anything around her; she was cold and blank. The only thing going through her mind, repeatedly, was whether she loved him anymore or not.

It was three years back when they met. She, then, happened to be a beautiful, young and independent women and he was a tall, handsome and active young man. Destiny had planned their roads to cross and it did not take much time before they were captivated by each other. The cupid had his arrows well planted in them and they both were in love. They were inseparable in thoughts as well as action, except that she was more focused on her career than marriage. On the other hand, he was determined that she was her soul-mate and he would soon marry and have a better future with her; he did not risk any chance of losing her, such strong was their love. Families agreed and they tied the nuptial knot. Little did she know that destiny had frowned upon her when she decided to alter her priority list.

She is a married woman now. Unlike before, the ‘married’ tag had a strong influence on all her decisions, big and small. She was born and brought up in a family that taught to take all decisions by oneself and this shaped her to be the woman she was. But all of a sudden, her upbringing and married life contradicted. An independent lady would not entertain much interference in her life and decisions; she did not like it either. The couple, so madly in love once upon a time, hardly spoke. The talks, the touches, the kisses – all seemed to diminish in thin air. There was a distance between him and her. She found peace and satisfaction in solitude. She silently waited for him and he waited for her, to return from the distant land of quiet separation, but none expressed. The wait finally turned into habit and then slowly died. She had invested a lot of time into something that was destined to fade away. She changed from a lively person to a quieter one, seeking space away from everything. A woman known for her rapid success turned forgetful and careless, such was the devastation within her. No matter what destruction she faced within, she did not quit her job and enjoyed going to office as that was the only place where she had a recognition. The work kept her strong and going.

She would recall the old days and  often ask herself if it was the right decision to alter the priority list and say yes, too early before achieving anything. She would try to feel the same for him, like she felt during her previous times, but in vain. Gradually, in the course of time, she came to the realization she was too weak to put up her armor anymore and wanted to call it off. Without any resistance from the other side, the couple called it quits.

She is independent, once again, and is gaining herself slowly and steadily. Healing is a time-taking process. Had she not called it off, she would have found herself ageing in the jungle of her own thoughts.

Through all these years, she realized that letting go is always a good thing. Everything will abandon you except the impact of the life you decide to live, as an inflicted wound or a wonderful gift. One has to release the clutches to breathe and good things can also occlude the path if allowed at wrong times.



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